Songs A through B
Songs G through L
Songs M through Q
Songs R through Z
Choruses are in italics and are sung after every verse.
Call Me Traditional
The airport computer pulled me right out of line
Some evil doer has a name like mine
It was sure it had caught itself a ter - ror - ist
How else could my name get on the no-fly list?
Computers are dumb, but I'm not mocking
Cause I think I hear opportunity knocking
There's a gold mine ready for me to claim
And all I gotta do is change . . . my. . . name
I'm gonna change my name to "Trad"
I'm gonna get royalties ga - lore
I'll make a fortune as great as Michael Jackson's es - state
With checks for all those good old songs rolling in my door
At B M I and ASCAP they will say I'm sure prolific
When their writers get ripped off, it makes them mad
I can prove it scientific -ly, my take will be terrific
When I change my name to "Trad"
. . . I'll get my old guitar back out of pawn
I'll think it's kind of funny I was ever short of money
Cause I've written even more stuff than Anon
I know I'll have to fight to enforce my copyright
All those creeps who steal my music are so bad
But my legal team is eager and I'm gonna sue Pete Seeger . . .
Carbonear
There's lots of money down on the mainland
Lots of worry and lots of care
There's lots of good folks if you can find them
Lots of scoundrels everywhere
Come ya down to Carbonear
Folks are friendly in around here
Catch yer fish and drink yer beer
And swing around me, my dear
'Laine got three strings to her fiddle
Fiddled she loud and fiddled she long
Fiddled she in a fishing dory
Fish jumped in to hear her song
'Laine she fiddled at a party
Everyone was drinking Screech
With half to drunk too keep the tune
And all too drunk to keep their peace
Zeke went down to Carbonear
He played guitar with fiddlin' 'Laine
He wrote this song to make the money
To go to Carbonear again
There's lots of money down on the mainland
Money that slips right through your hand
There's lots of roads to Nova Scotia
Lots of boats to Newfoundland
Christmas, One AD
Have a merry Christmas, have a lot of fun
Go home to your family, be nice to everyone
Blow a year of savings buying presents at the mall
But don't forget one poor little boy who never had Christmas at all:
Jesus never celebrated Christmas
Jesus never trimmed a Christmas tree
He never hung up socks or sandals wondering what he would receive
When his parents lit the candles, that meant Hanukkah, not Christmas Eve
Jesus never celebrated Christmas
The reason why is very plain to see:
He was born before humanity had heard of Christianity
Back in One AD
Christmas Rock
The only time I've used so many special effects on a vocal track for just two words . . .
It was Christmas Day in Heaven
The angels were praising the Lord
They sang those good old carols in that good old fashioned way
When a voice from on high roared:
I'M BORED!
Let's rock! Let the good times roll!
Them New Age ditties are mighty pretty but they don't move my soul
Want an old Stratocaster played much too loud
A drum beat pounding on a thundercloud
Blow all the feathers off the angel flock
Doing the Christmas Rock
There's people down on earth doing apres-ski
There's people on sleigh rides makin' whoopee
They're gettin' down and boogyin' loud and clear
Why can't it rock like that up here?
That New Age music is okay stuff
But two thousand years of it's about enough
We got lots of dead rockers here, saved from sin
Give 'em their axes and plug 'em in!
My family is gathered all around the Christmas tree
I got three books, a real nice scarf, and a Grateful Dead CD
I know that I am having the nicest Christmas yet
But I just can't keep my mind off the gift I never get
It's one more Christmas with no Ferrari, no Ferrari again
Everyone says I should be merry, I shouldn't care about no Ferrari
Wherever I go, I got to go in a beat-up van that's old and slow
Guess Santa's elves don't do V-12s, Ferrari Christmas never came.
I don't want an all-expenses-paid vacation in Bombay
I don't want a Stradivarius, cause I never learned to play
Family health care would be nice, but I'm not a millionaire
And I guess no one who loves me had two hundred grand to spare
Cause it's one more Christmas with no Ferrari, no Ferrari again
There's baby Jesus and mother Mary, but where the heck's my darn Ferrari
I'm just a real deserving fellow, I deserve a car from Maranello
Got lots of machismo, but no Gran Turismo, Ferrari Christmas never came.
My neighbors got a BMW, you know how that makes me feel
I try to smile as I tell them, "Real BMW's have two wheels"
If I were a famous musician, I'd drive a car that suits my position
Harry Belafonte sang "Day-o", made so much he bought an Alfa Romeo
The kids are getting tired now, it's time to go away
We pile into the van to end a long, exciting day
And a drunken driver rams us, we hear him sit and curse
That's one more dent in the good old van, but it coulda been much worse
Cause it's one more Christmas with no Ferrari, no Ferrari again
If we'd been in one, it woulda been scarey, squished to jelly in our new Ferrari
A lifetime dream car smashed to junk, send the bill to an uninsured drunk
It's Christmas Day and we're all okay, Ferrari Christmas never came.
Hush little baby, go to sleep
Daddy is outside counting sheep
You won't have so very long to wait
Till you can laugh and play
Just like today
With the lovey little lambie we just ate
Hush little baby, sleepyhead
Doggie's asleep beneath your bed
Doggie's getting very old and slow
But there's a bouncing little pup
That will be him when he grows up
Replacement doggies just take time to grow
People were so ignorant, it seems just yesterday
That we thought animals had more inside
Than a few dozen molecules of D N A
Wrapped up in flesh for human beings to eat and wear and ride
I saw the Kentucky Derby just last week
They were clones of Secretariat, all thirteen
There were thirteen different jockeys, each unique
But that was the closest race I've ever seen
Rest, little baby, in dreamland
The world is too new to understand
I hope your childhood's full of growth and fun
Whoever thought I'd be
Sitting in here rocking me?
And you will be spare parts for me when you're twenty-one
Coffee is better than sleep
For hours are precious but coffee is cheap
In the morning, the world can be cruel and mean
And nothing can help you but rest and caffeine
There's no rest for the wicked, or so people say
There's no rest for you for the rest of the day
You could nod off so quickly without counting sheep
But coffee is better than sleep.
Coffee is better than sleep
As into the office you bashfully creep
Your IN box is full, your computer's insane
But a good jolt of java will jump-start your brain
If you sleep with your boss, you know people will talk
But you can share coffee without causing shock
There are clients to smile at and deadlines to keep
And coffee is better than sleep.
Coffee is better than sleep
I'm here singing songs that are subtle and deep
You're beginning to fade and the evening's half gone
You've just missed the point and you just want to yawn
Though the Sandman's attacking and clutching you tight
You can catch up on slumber on some other night
But tonight you don't want to collapse in a heap
And coffee is better than sleep.
I woke up in the morning, I was feeling pretty punk
My eyes were hard to open and my throat was full of junk
I didn't kiss my wife the way I usually do
I said, "I've got a code, I dode wad you to ged it too"
I was having trouble breathing, I was feeling kind of bummed
As I blew my nose, I cleared my throat, I gargled and I hummed
Then I heard what I was humming, that's when I discovered that
When I have a cold I can get down to B Flat
I got a beeee flat, that's mighty low for me
When I'm singing healthy I can barely get a D
Move over, Johnny Horton, I can finally sing bass
I got a beeee flat coming out of my face
I was sounding pretty funny, I was feeling mighty strange
When I set out to discover what had happened to my range
My bass had grown four semitones, but just as I had feared
Everything except that extra bass had disappeared
. . . move over, Ivan Rebroff . . .
I know that I'll get better and my high notes will return
But singing down to B Flat is a trick that I can't learn
When they cut an album that goes platinum or gold
I bet they sing the bass notes when they have a cold
. . . move over, Larry Hanks . . .
I express my affection tenderly: I love you
Pretty little island in a scenic sea: Isle of View
Corridor lined with the bow-wood tree: aisle of yew
You never know what will come next: meaning depends on context.
Don't you know I love you?
You don't know I love you
You know I don't love you
No you don't, I love you
Life's too short for a one-way trip: Time flies
Bugs in the herbs, the screen door's ripped: thyme flies
Measure how fast men unzip: time flies
Don't become confused and vexed: meaning depends on context.
I sneer at you, I'm an alpha male: condescending
Prisoner walks downstairs in jail: con descending
Remember Condoleeza? She writes e-mail: Condi sending
Language, it is cursed and hexed: meaning depends on context
The vernal dance our ancestors did: Rites Of Spring
His letter tells where the well is hid: writes of spring
They invented the airplane, then had kids: Wrights' offspring
By now you must be quite perplexed: meaning depends on context
He weaves across the dotted line: road hog
I arrived on a motorcycle, loud and fine: rode hawg
I used my dory to transport swine: rowed hog
Exceptions to rules aren't indexed, and meaning depends on context.
In this song, her voice is is italics
When I was courting my baby
We cuddled all the time
Now when I want to cuddle She says,
"The kitchen is gross with grime"
Cuddling Housework Cuddling Houseworkk
Life is cruel and mean
Cuddling Housework Cuddling Housework
I won't get lucky till the house is clean
His nose can't smell the garbage
Dirt seems to make him blind
When I say it clear, he just won't hear
He's got one thing on his mind
The house looks fine for a pig sty
The windows need washing Big deal!
The more I clean, the more dirt she finds
You call that cleaning? Get real!
I spent a whole weekend on housework
I vacuumed and dusted and mopped
She got turned on by the work I'd done
But I was so tired, I asked her to stop
Daddy shot the Easter Bunny, Mama fricasseed him
He already left the eggs so we no longer need him
Other children weep and cry; we all think it's funny
Sitting eating Easter eggs and the Easter Bunny
Daddy shot the Easter Bunny, sister said, "Dagnabbit
Now I've got to find the herbs you need to cook a rabbit
When you are a hunter's kid, you never rest a minute
When I've picked the goddamn herbs, guess who will have to skin it."
Daddy shot the Easter Bunny right between the ears
When we saw what he had done, the kids rang out with cheers
You can stick some other critter on your Easter greeting
Cause cards are for poker games and rabbits are for eating
Daddy shot the Easter Bunny, soon he'll start in carving
Hope that grace don't last too long, cause, Jesus Christ, I'm starving
Dinner table looks so bare when you take the food off
Christmas was four months ago, we've long since finished Rudolf
This is the abridged biography of Dirty Dan Harris, the founding father of Fairhaven.
Dan Harris left Long Island to sail the ocean blue
Jumped ship in Honolulu in 1852
He hitch hiked to Victoria, then left that foreign shore
And rowed home to Fairhaven a hundred times or more
Rowing veggies to Victoria, rowing rum and blankets home
Rips and reefs and stony shorelines where the breakers crash and foam
Two hundred pounds plus all his cargo, God knows how he stayed afloat
Two foot chop and six inch freeboard, Eight knot current - four knot boat.
A rising tide by Ten Mile Point can spin a puzzle for ya
It can take you to the San Juans or right back to Victoria
No signposts mark the current's turn or tell you what to do
In that moving maze of wind and waves, big Dan came rowing through
Forty-three miles as the crow flies, but islands bar the way
Between them or around them? It's different every day
You get halfway in a hurry, that far the tide's your chum
Then you wait for nineteen hours for the next good tide to come
He staked a claim and built a road, he soon owned half of town
He got rich, then poor, then rich, he couldn't pin a fortune down
High finance was too high for him, he couldn't do the math
But he did the work of seven men and never took a bath
Children loved to gather round when he told them stories
How laws and boats were shattered, of wild women, rum, and glory
The strait-laced parents told their kids to shun that bad old man
It was not just for his fragrance that they called him dirty Dan
Doin' Eighty
You're doin' eighty, you're so fast
We're trying to keep up, but you shoot right past
Got no time for feeling blue, can't catch up with you
You're doin' eighty
Eighty years ago when dinosaurs walked the earth
In the cave they was behavin' ecstatic at your birth
Someone heard a sabertooth tiger say, "Ain't it the truth?
This kid'll be a swinger to beat Babe Ruth"
They put on a Depression and a World War Two
You fixed 'em up so we don't have to live them through
The world sure needed changin', thank you for arrangin' it
You needed lots of speed, you're doin' eighty
I get baffled and I get confused
I find that my mind is the first thing I lose
Seems reality and I are at variance
I need advice from my favorite octogenarians
Now we have computers and satellites
No place on earth is farther than a one day flight
There's so much we've got to know, that's why we need you so
You're the one who knows the road, you're doin' eighty
They came to Cape Canaveral, they came prepared to fly
And some folks said, "Good luck, boys, but we fear you're gonna die
You've got a lot of rockets that'll get you off the ground,
But you're gonna burn to cinders coming down,
You're gonna burn to cinders coming down
They said we'd never fly, but the Wright brothers flew
They told Aldrin and Armstrong that we'd never reach the moon
It's two years late, it's too big to understand,
And if it flies, it's never gonna land,
If it flies, it's never gonna land
They climbed up into Heaven on a thousand feet of fire
Then Crippen said to Young, "We're up here, let's not go no higher
We'll put her into orbit, take a look at everywhere
And then we'll fly her down into the air
Then we'll fly her down into the air
We stood out in the desert, two hundred thousand strong
To see them die or do the thing we'd worked to do so long
They came down like a meteor, they landed safe and sound
Now they're home, the human race is outward bound
Now they're home, the human race is outward bound
They said it wouldn't fly, but the Space Shuttle flew
They tell us Mars is still too far, but that's no longer true
We'd be born with wings if God meant us to fly
But I'm gonna leave this world before I die
I'm gonna leave this world before I die
Arnold worked for thirty years making sleeping bags
Did every job from cutting cloth to sewing on price tags
The shop was taken over by a big financial mob
They said, "Payroll isn't profit", and they cut out Arnold's job
Arnold got downsized yesterday
They handed him his severance and sent him on his way
If you have too many workers then it's hard to make it pay
So Arnold got downsized yesterday
Now Arnold was the only one who really understood
How to run the big machines that stuffed and waterproofed the goods
The new boss came out on the floor to do some supervising
The waterproofer sprung a leak and he got sprayed with sizing
The boss he grabbed his eyes and started staggering around
Underneath the hopper that was filled with eiderdown
It all stuck to the sizing, and the boss was sure surprised
He found out on the shop floor how it feels to be downsized
Arnold's boss got downsized yesterday
The down came down in blizzards and the glue began to spray
The sizing was permanent, the down is there to stay
Arnold's boss got downsized yesterday
The boss he hired Arnold back, said, "We must work together"
And since that day, he's come to work in nothing but his feathers
Getting glued and feathered made him realize
You've got no use for business suits when you've been downsized
recording
With great respect for Hank Williams Sr, he should only have lived a whole lot longer.
Anybody can learn to play the harp a little bit. To gain real respect as a harper in these parts,
you must climb a mountain carrying your harp and play a concert for the eagles and mountain sheep.
If you climb a mountain high
And play your harp up in the sky
Where the eagles nest, you'd best look sharp
The chicks will crawl into your harp
And then those chicks go "cheep-cheep-cheep"
Till they attract a passing sheep
And she'll get clawed – it's sad but true
Your cheepin' harp will talon ewe.
I was trying to build a bookcase but entropy happened
Entropy happened to me
The screw and the screwdriver would not mesh
Everything that cuts wood prefers to cut flesh
I got paint in my hair, on the floor, everywhere
It was not a pretty sight to see
I was trying to build a bookcase but entropy happened
Entropy happened to me
Entropy happens, entropy happens
The Bird Of Time just keeps on flappin'
It's Murphy's Law and no use screamin'
Cause nobody's listenin' but Maxwell's Demon
We were trying to build a better world but entropy happened
Entropy happened to us
People resisted when we told them to change
Everything new just seemed too strange
When things got worse, folks were so perverse
You shoulda heard them whine and fuss
We were trying to build a better world but entropy happened
Entropy happened to us
Entropy happens, entropy happens
Drowns out the sound of one hand clappin'
The arrow of time can't be reversed
If you don't get the point it'll get you first
instrumental verse
Entropy happens, entropy happens
The Chihuahua Of Chaos won't stop yappin'
You can't unsmash your smashed ceramics
Or break the laws of thermodynamics
I'm trying to sing a song to you but entropy's happenin'
Entropy's happenin' right now
I just got the hiccups, my nose is drippin'
And I think the seat of my pants is rippin'
I can see in your eyes that you're not surprised
You knew I'd screw it up somehow
I'm trying to sing a song to you but entropy's happenin'
Entropy's happenin' right now
Entropy happens, entropy happens
Your brand new hat's what the cat takes a *nap* in
Nothing is sure but death and tax
And disorder everywhere tending to max
But do your best at whatever you do
Till entropy happens to you
change the name of the extinct species in the chorus to fit the preceding verse
The Tyrannosaur, it was big and bite - y
With one chomp it could crunch a whole cow
It was tall and mean and his muscles were mighty
But there ain't no Tyrannosaurs now
There ain't no Tyrannosaurs, don't you fret
You're safe from Tryannosaurs, you can bet
You won't see one today, cause they've all gone away
there ain't no Tyrannosaurs now.
The saber-tooth tiger was quick and ruthless
As for biting, it really knew how
It was just about as far as you can get from toothless
But there ain't no sabertooths now
The dodo used to live in Mauritius
Without very much brain in his brow
He was slow and flightless and tame and delicious
And there ain't no dodos left now
The human beings made bombs and jets
Till they made the whole world go kapow!
Now the cockroaches sing to their cockroachettes
There ain't no human beings now
The development of a drink with a balance of sugars and salts to enhance absorption probably began as a treatment for cholera. Gatorade itself, developed by the late Dr Robert Cade and his colleagues, was a great idea. Marketing it as something hi-tech and expensive is flim-flam. You can make your own for a dime a bottle.
It wasn't very long ago down in the steamy South
A football team was looking kind of down around the mouth
The coach said, "Git up, Gators!", but the doctor said, "I'm sure
Them boys is dehydrated, and there's bound to be a cure."
Then the science geeks got busy and proceeded to concoct
A drink with salts and sugars fit to moisturize a jock.
It wasn't very tasty but it worked the way they planned
And then the suits in Marketing began to take a hand
"You can be just like a Gator, you can drink their drink yourself -
It's just two bucks a bottle on your supermarket shelf"
It made them very rich, which is a lovely thing to do,
But there is an alternative I'm gonna share with you:
Fakerade! Fakerade!
It only costs a dime and it's as good as any made
You can spend your hard-earned money to support the flim-flam trade
Or get rich on what you save with Fakerade.
Your standard sports drink bottle holds three-quarters of a liter
Pour in water, leaving room to shake so you won't need a beater
Three tablespoons of sugar, one-eighth teaspoonfull of salt,
Three tablespoons of orange juice and an ounce of single malt
Well, I lied about the whiskey - just add water, that's enough
To keep you well hydrated like that real expensive stuff.
Now if you don't like orange juice, then lemon juice is great
If you find the salt too salty, you can use bicarbonate
If you don't like drinking sugar, give glucose a try
If it has to look hi-tech, put in a drop of turquoise dye
You can find it on the Internet or make your own design
If you don't use too much sugar, almost anything works fine.
Folklife Fandango
A fan is someone who loves music
A dan is a martial arts grade
And I'm sure you all know the meaning of go
That's how the fandango is made
Cause when you're a fan at the Folklife
and you go to the opposite end
You'll never get through without using Kung Fu
That's the Folklife Fandango, my friend
If all my favorites would pick the same place
I could sit there and hear them all play
But wherever I go, seems the whole human race
Is going the opposite way
Like lemmings hell-bent for distuction
Like fish swarming upstream to spawn
Our behavior is linked to some primal instinct
Cause the Folklife Fandango goes on
Sometimes I have half an hour
With no one I'm longing to hear
It's time for burritos and coffee
Or maybe some bratwurst and beer
I line up for twenty-five minutes
And gobble it down on the run
Got crumbs on my clothes and hot sauce up my nose
And the next act's already begun
It's easy to tell the musicians
We're the ones going swiftly insane
Trying to dash through the crowds dragging harps and guitars
That go out of tune when it rains
When we try to tune up, we get stepped on
We can't hear a thing we are doin'
Spend half of our set trying to tune up again
And the other half playing out of tuin
Here's to the volunteer workers
Why they do it's a mystery to me
It can't be to get free admission
When everyone gets in for free
But year after year, on they labor
A tradition that's puzzling but proud
And it's their fault that Folklife is crowded
Cause, as everyone knows, free's a crowd
Forty Below
If you're looking for the song that begins
"It's forty below and I dont give a #$%&", that one's probably by Chris Ledoux.
My song is to be sung as a duet by
a man and a woman
It's forty below, and the wind is howling
And I dont want to go home tonight
Let me sleep here on your sofa
I'll fix you breakfast come daylight
It's forty below, but if you stayed here
I don't know what folks would say
Go start your car, and I'll make you coffee
To keep you warm, cause you can't stay
It's forty below, can't start my engine
And I ain't dressed for a three mile walk
Even if I left, my car would stay here
So either way, folks are still gonna talk
It's forty below, go call a tow truck
They'll start your car despite the storm
Don't think I'm cold, cause I'm just careful
I'll give you a kiss to keep you warm
It's forty below, and the truck ain't comin'
They won't go out on a night like this
Tomorrow I'll tell all your neighbors
That all you gave me was a couch and a kiss
It was forty below, and they found his body
Two miles from here in a drift of snow
If I'd let him stay, they'da called me sinful
Now they say my heart is forty below
Four Gallon Flush
When Prohibition happened, Grandpa didn't get the blues
He sailed his boat to Canada for good Canadian booze
Now Prohibition's back again, it's crazy but it's true
We've banned the four gallon toilet, got to flush with less than two
We're ticked off! We'll fight and never quit
We know how to deal with this bureaucratic shift
We'll exercise our sacred rights that Congress cannot crush
And we'll wash away our troubles with the four gallon flush
Dave Barry said these words away down in Florida:
"We need Canadian toilets, but it's too far to the borida
A little bit of tinkle you can swiftly flush away
But when you've passed an Act Of Congress, you can flush and flush all day"
The women's movement fought for equal jobs and equal pay
The freedom movement showed us that all colors are okay
But man and woman, black and white, we all have common gripes
Cause everybody's movement's getting stuck inside the pipes
They have double-action toilets in parts far away and furrin
A big flush for the big jobs and a little flush for urine
But we're stuck with the little flush, and we're in deep doo-doo
Just like Christpher Robin, we can't get rid of Pooh.
Freedom Toast
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A: Two whole generations. If you answered "It's never been tried", you're not just bigoted, you really need to start learning.
I got up this morning, ate my Freedom Toast
Had a cup of coffee, a good dark Freedom roast
Walked the Freedom Poodle till seven forty four
Gave my wife a Freedom kiss, walked out the Freedom door
I see England, I see Freedom, I see someone's underpants
Where's our allies when we need 'em? Why won't they give war a chance?
A Freedom horn concerto was playing where I ate
I put a glob of Freedom dressing on my salad plate
Had a heap of Freedom fries, I love cholesterol
I like 'em with gravy like those Freedom Canadians up in Montreal
Notre Dame's "Our Lady" now and Baton Rouge is "Red Stick"
If you want to eat baguette, you've got to order Freedom Bread Stick
Cause anyone who's not for us, must be for Iraq
We oughta tear down the Statue Of Liberty and send the damn thing back
Frogs In Cream
An old folk tale cast into song. The chorus comes in the middle of the verses instead of at the end.
There were two frogs on Grandma's farm
And they fell in a bucket of cream
The first frog said, "This is dreadful stuff,
I wish I were back in my stream"
I can't see through it and I can't swim in it
It's too thick to breathe for more than a minute
I wish I were dead and my sins were forgven
Cause a world like this ain't fit to live in
Then he lifted up his hands with a mournful sound
Sank to the bottom and drowned.
The second frog saw the first frog die
He knew that his chances were slim
Said, "I wish I knew just what to do
But all I can do is swim . . .
. . .But it sure as hell can't hurt to try
So I'm gonna keep kicking till I die."
Things just went from bad to worse
The cream got thicker and thicker
And the thicker it got, the madder he got
He kept kicking harder and quicker . . .
. . .He kicked and kicked till he churned that cream
Then he climbed on the butter and jumped in the stream
That goes to show it pays to kick
And I just remembered that frog
Cause I stepped outside for a breath of air
But all I could find was smog . . .
. . .The waters getting dirty and the air's getting thick
You gonna give up and drown or get out and kick?
Songs A through B
Songs G through L
Songs M through Q
Songs R through Z