Sitting On My Behind Going Backwards

Purists say that scullers aren't on the rowing crew
Cause rowing's done with one oar, but sculling uses two
Folks like that need three oars, and the extra one should go
Just where you expect it would most affect how they row, row, row.

I got a secondhand Trimline open water shell in July 2003, but I've been rowing all my life and using a rowing machine for years. (I also have a RowCycle 3-wheeled quasi-vehicle, but it's too scarey to ride around in traffic.)
Me sitting in a rowboat
Finishing the 2003 Sound Rowers Lake Samish Salmon Row - Ron Mueller photo

Rowing Machine Chanty

I use a secondhand rowing machine that doesn't count strokes. I found it easier to row along to songs and know the strokes in each song. When I wrote a song especially for the purpose, it was so long I lost track of which verses I'd sung. I reorganized it with one verse for each letter of the alphabet, plus Ch, Sh, and Th. When I sing it in public, I cut it down to five or six of the best verses and a special one for the occasion. Here's the whole thing as of October 2003.

Row Across The Floor
The doctor said, "You're way too fat, your muscles all are slack And if you live like this, you're gonna take a heart attack" So I got myself a rowing machine, all for to flee my doom But every time I row the thing, it slides around the room	If I was an Octopus, I'd row quadruple scull I'd rip out all the sliding seats and ooze along the hull Human beings make great machines but they don't know how to flow You gotta pull with a tentacle to row, row, row
And it's row, row, row, row across the bedroom floor This isn't a boat, it doesn't float, this handle's not an oar / No bosun's drum to give the stroke, no lash to make me go But I'm over forty and overweight and I row, row, row	See the couch Potato, he's glued to his TV He calls himself a sports fan, doesn't look that way to me Cause sports are meant for doing, not for watching like a show / He should lose his remote and get in a boat and row, row, row
It was an Ancient Mariner, he stoppeth one of three He said, "The ship became becalmed, and everyone blamed me And it's all because the albatross I shot with my crossbow They're still there now cause they don't know how to row, row, row	Queequeg was a harpoonist, he sailed with Ahab's crew He stood up in the longboat and he cast his weapon true The whale destroyed the longboat and the whaling ship also / It's dangerous to stick things in Moby Dick when you row, row, row
Here's to the Bootleggers, the boys who bring the booze In motorboats and sailboats and rowboats and canoes The Coast Guard can't be everywhere upon the H₂O So we load the C₂H₅OH and we row, row, row	A whole town was condemned to die, we saw the orders leave / A whole day later, a second ship set out with their Reprieve How they reached Mytilene in just a day, the gods themselves don't know / I think of those Greeks though I'm just a geek and I row, row, row
If you forget to feather, you're gonna Catch a Crab You'll never get your oar out once King Neptune starts to grab You'll go right over the side in front of everyone you know And they're bound to say, "That's not the way to row, row, row"	Confusion to the Swimmers, their lifestyle is all wet They claim they're getting exercise, but they never break a sweat / A hundred strokes on this rowing rack puts me in a healthy glow I sweat till I stink but I never sink when I row, row, row
The Forfarshire was on the rocks, she heard the screaming crew / It was one missed stroke from certain death, it was what she had to do Of how Grace Darling saved them, all England soon would know I'm not brave but there ain't no waves where I row, row, row	Titanic hit the iceberg, that mighty ship went down Some got into lifeboats and they left the rest to drown Wooden heads and iron ships together should not go Every ship that floats gotta have enough boats to row, row, row
Endorphins are the only trip the government never banned Nobody has to sneak them in from a foreign land No backwoods still, no basement lab, no vegetables to grow If you wanna get stoned, gotta make your own and row, row, row	I dreamed about a U-boat, and I was in its crew And sinking Allied shipping was the job we had to do Till someone dropped a depth charge to crush our hull below / A man gets nervous too far from the suface to row, row, row
I bought some fancy Fish Eggs, five bucks for one small jar The guy who made the label called it "Salmon Caviar" But caviar comes from sturgeon, as everyone should know It would taste the same by any name, but it's roe, roe, roe	If You want to be a Viking, there's seven things to learn Row and row and row and row, then pillage, smash, and burn / It's tempting just to stay down South where things to eat will grow / But we might get fat and we can't have that, so row, row, row
I'm heading inland, I'm going to leave the shore And over my shoulder I'll be carrying an oar When someone asks me, "What's that thing?", I'll make my Garden grow With picks and spades and pretty maids in a row, row, row	Here's one for the Wheelers who roll around in chairs And every place they try to go, they find a flight of stairs When wheels get bogged down in the mud, the going's mighty slow So take 'em offshore and give 'em oars, they can row, row, row
Samuelson and Harbo set out for death or glory They left New York and headed East in a crazy open dory They were starved and sunburned and damn near drowned, but they made it even so / Though it's too far to Norway, I might reach the doorway so row, row, row	An eXtensive crew of eXperts eXtols eXtra eXercise Don't eXpect eXtremely eXtoverted folks to be so wise They want ecstacy, eXcitement, an eXotic place to go Not eXpiring from eXhaustion when they row, row, row
There's half as much fresh water as once there used to be Before the glacier melted and undammed Lake Agassiz The plains were underwater seven thousand years ago They called it the Ice Age but it was a nice age to row, row, row	I've sung about a lot of folks, now here's a verse for You You tell me rowing's half technique, I can't deny that's true But the other half is power, you're graceful but you're slow Gonna give you hell when I get in a shell and row, row, row
Jonah and his buddies were going for a sail He jumped into the ocean and got swallowed by a whale The whale then swam a thousand miles and barfed him up on shore He wasn't crazy, just too lazy to row, row, row	The hockey players skate so hard, they soon tear up the ice Then out comes the Zamboni, oh wouldn't it be nice To melt the surface all smooth and fresh while drifting to and fro / If you make a mistake then the rink's a lake, gotta row, row, row
If you see a Kraken, I'll tell you what to do Turn and row the other way and hope it won't see you 'Cause giant squids are just the kids that into Krakens grow So save your bacon, avoid the Kraken and row, row, row	The Charles River All-Stars were a bunch of rowing bums The river started freezing and they did the ergo sums Then headed for the great indoors where there ain't no ice and snow / When the weather's froze, keep the windows closed and row, row, row
Here's to all the Loved Ones who make a house a home A place that we can dream of when we're far across the foam When we are too long away the days go by so slow But turn us round so we're homeward bound and we'll row, row, row	Here's to all the sailors who work between the Sheets They spend their hours messing round with ropes and spars and cleats They spread their sail to catch the gale, and when the wind does blow / They go like a bomb, but when it's calm they must row, row, row
Moses split the Red Sea, said, "Let my people walk" When Pharaoh's army followed them, they got an awful shock So don't go walking out to sea when the water's low When the tide has turned, you'll wish you'd learned to row, row, row	Rowing on an erg is not as boring as you Think And when you miss a stroke it doesn't dump you in the drink No coach or cox to prick your dream of endorphin-addled bliss And - one more thing - you can always sing a song like this
The rain began a-fallin' when Noah was in his prime He's the only boatbuilder ever got it done on time Drifting to Mt Ararat took forty days or so 'Cause he hadn't the skill to teach the gorilla to row, row, row	So here's to every rower in every racing crew The ones who crossed an ocean, those who died trying too The heroes in the lifeboats, the galley slaves below For a life that's long and a back that's strong I row, row, row

MORE VERSES Just what you wanted. . .
The lakes are full of Jetskis, it's growing worse and worse
To them we're only speed bumps, to us they are a curse
We blow our whistles and flash our lights, but does that sop them? No!
We should carry bazookas to blow off their tuchas and row, row, row.

Look at all the Loonies in the loony bin
None of them as crazy as the ones who checked them in
They may think they're Napoleon or sit and suck their toe
But it's very plain they're still too sane to row, row, row.